Moving On

It's not a secret that I took the stay-at-home-mom thing pretty hard when we moved to our present city alittle over three years ago. I was pregnant, hormonal and in shell shock that my life had changed so drastically from what I thought it would be. I'd never planned on staying at home or being without a job, but without going into detail, that's what I ended up doing and I'm still doing it. But in taking on that role, I also adopted the mentality that I didn't deserve anything for myself, be it trendy, fun, or normal thirty-something doings. I'd beat myself up for buying anything and half the time, I'd end up returning it! But lately, I've been looking at things differently.
You know, I've been getting rid of a lot of stuff lately. Everything from tops that don't fit my post-pregnancy body to books I never thought I could part with. Having a toddler and a new baby doesn't give you much time to daily "tidy up," so I take my cleaning inspiration when I can get it! For example, this evening, after cleaning the parameter of our bathroom floor with a tissue (you know, where all the dust & hair go) I moved on to our shared cabinet on the countertop. I bought this cabinet when I was dating my husband and it became a permanent fixture in the three master bathrooms we've shared during our marriage. He has his side and I have mine, although my toiletries have definitely encroached on his space without a single complaint (seriously). For a few months now, I've been thinking about throwing away these two lotion bottles that only have about an eighth left in them. But THESE are the two lotions that I used during the first summer of our courtship and the scents take me immediately back to 2001. Of course, in their present condition they don't even smell anymore so I don't know why I kept them for this long in the first place (but I did, because I'm nostalgic!). So, in moving forward, I tossed them. It was time; it didn't seem like I needed them anymore. I mean, I still have all my memories AND I got the guy, so why do I need those old lotion bottles? I even purged a few other things from the cabinet. And I didn't even shed a tear while doing it.
In addition to getting rid of things, I'm also buying myself some fun items that have nothing to do with diapers, pull-ups or children's clothing. I've gotten a new lipstick, a book, scarf, couple pairs of shoes and I'm sure some other stuff, too. These are all unnecessary things that were not part of the "I'm a mom now, so I am not a priority" mentality. And you would think that now with two kids I'd be pinching the pennies even more (don't worry, I'm still a coupon/deal fiend!), but lately I've been realizing that it is okay to give myself a little treat every so often. I don't want to be resenting this period of motherhood as that time when I rarely did anything for myself. I don't want to decide that it's okay to be stylish again when the kids are grown, not as needy and I'm suddenly 50! These might seem like silly statements, but I guarantee I'm not the only mom out there that's felt this way. Well, I'm turning over a new leaf! I don't know why or what's caused it, but I've decided that I'm no longer on "pause." I really feel as if my life, our life, is moving forward to where I want to be. By the way, since my little revelation as of late, this whole period of "motherhood" is suddenly accompanied by a whole lot of contentment and happiness. Funny how that works, huh?

Lost and Found

You know it’s really easy to lose yourself nowadays. I’m the 34 year old parent of a 3 month old and an almost 3 year old and like so many moms out there, I lose myself all the time. You sacrifice television programs or music you’d like to listen to and instead, the theme song to Wow, Wow Wubsy is a regular anthem in your house. I remember, before I had children someone was referencing some childrens tv show that I’d never heard of and I felt so righteous in saying with a sneer, “Sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about” and also thinking “ because I have my own life." Harsh, I know, but it’s honestly what I was thinking. I couldn’t understand how you could let yourself get so run by your child’s interests. Now honestly, my husband and I are pretty good about trying to maintain balance and not giving in to every desire of our daughter’s but you still end up with your life heavily influenced by your child’s life. And believe me, at age 3, you are so instrumental in sculpting and teaching them that it’s ludicrous to suggest your life wouldn’t be heavily influenced by your kids.

Like so many lost souls, I'll get up and do the 25 tasks (or attempt to do them) in the first 4 hours of the day, along with attending to the needs of my children, which yes, includes the cat. And day after day, I no longer see myself, but a shell of who I thought I would be. Now, I’m not trying to write about how hard it is to be a parent and I’m the only one that’s dealing with any of this. No, that’s insulting to other parents and to those that don't have children. Who am I to say what's hard for some people and why it is or isn't hard based on whether they have kids? But I can vouch for myself in saying that it's been hard! Being a parent is such a selfless responsibility that you really need to give yourself "you" back and go and recharge your batteries. The wonderful thing is that in doing so you will eventually find yourself again and the inevitable cycle will repeat itself again next week.

Because I have a wonderfully understanding husband, I often get the chance to go find myself for an evening (or weekend if I'm lucky). I have found myself on a Saturday afternoon, driving around town and listening to "Whatta Know" or "Garrison Keillor" on NPR. I don't know why I get comfort in the dry wit of those shows but I do. It could be that they remind me of growing up with my parents and appreciating the variety show/theatre/storyteller aspect that accompanied most of our entertainment. You know, comfort radio. While braving the sea of endless January potholes and deciding which stores will visually stimulate me the most, I'll get a drive-thru coffee or smoothie. If it's my second coffee of the day, I'll be Stuck in a standstill in the parking lot between Crane Coffee and Juice Stop, as I decide to ingest more caffeine knowing that in doing so I'll risk a fussy baby later (joys of breastmilk!). But still, the allure of a latte!

However my search goes, be it a long distance conversation with a best friend or discovering a new singer that suddenly puts you "back in the know!" of society, it's a part of yourself that you've reconnected with and those creative juices flowing again are yours and yours, alone. Key word being "yours." See? Found again!